Last week my flight through Chicago was canceled due to 'Snomaggeden' (as the media called it), which left me stranded three extra days in Palm Desert, California (not a bad place to be stranded!) I considered this a perfect opportunity to finish a book I had brought along for my research to help young people find a compatible marriage partner. 'Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons' by Dr. Neil Clark Warren.
Like Dr. Warren had experienced in his private counseling practice before he founded eHarmony.com, I've often wondered if the couples I counsel pre-maritally have what it takes to stay in love for the rest of their life.
"The state of marriage is downright alarming in the United States. Nine out of every ten people in the U.S. will marry at least once during their lifetime. But out of the 90 percent who marry, nearly 50 percent will divorce. Another 20 to 25 percent will remain married though miserable. Did you catch that awful statistic? Putting it bluntly, nearly 75 percent of the marriages that take place this year will eventually turn sour."
Although this statistical quote from his book is not news, it certainly reinforces the need for greater premarital preparation. And....in my mind, preparation for marriage should start long before the first date. That's why I'm developing a course for young people called 'Smart Decisions in Dating'. The course is intended to help young people understand what I call 'personal value characteristics' unpacked in these three ways.
1) Core Characteristics - The values that drive me.
2) Life Characteristics - The values that I pursue.
3) Incompatible Characteristics - The values I must avoid.
If our young people have a clearer idea of their own personal values, I'm guessing they'll make better dating choices which will hopefully lead to more happily-ever-after marital unions. The bottom line is, this course is my attempt at changing a statistic.
Back to elaineolson.org
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Living Life in the Light of Values
My daughter gave me a 'goals' book for Christmas. Initially I was very excited and started working on it right away. It has now been 25 days since we rang in the new year (and celebrated my daughter's 21st birthday) and I am still working on understanding my core values; the starting point to defining goals.
Why does understanding my values seem so challenging? Perhaps it's not the exercise itself that's troublesome, but rather the fear that if I expose myself, even privately by writing my thoughts into a journal, my conscience will bother me until I align my time with what I say I value. Ouch.
Thoughts from the book.
Values govern how you act and how you feel. They are things that you do or find meaningful in your life. When living your values you feel most like yourself and 'in the flow', connected, excited, glowing, effortless.
Take some time to consider what you appreciate about yourself, what you admire in others, and what your top values are. Then ask yourself these questions.
1) Why are these values important to you?
2) How do you feel about yourself when you are living out these values?
3) How do you feel about yourself when you are not living out these values?
4) What additional words line up with your values?
ie: Adventure, Discovery, Community, Education, Beauty, Fun, Inspiration, Entertainment, Creativity, Contribution, Fitness, Leading, Achievement, Family, Organizing, Health, Connecting, Friends, The Unknown, Environment, Change, Learning, Safety, Comfort, Challenge
(Here's the ouch once again.) What changes do you need to make in your life to express your values more often? (ie: If I value relationships, I will need to alter my schedule to accommodate the important people in my life.)
The more we align our time with the values of our heart, the more intentional/purposeful our life becomes which ultimately leads to more satisfied living.
Back to elaineolson.org
Why does understanding my values seem so challenging? Perhaps it's not the exercise itself that's troublesome, but rather the fear that if I expose myself, even privately by writing my thoughts into a journal, my conscience will bother me until I align my time with what I say I value. Ouch.
Thoughts from the book.
Values govern how you act and how you feel. They are things that you do or find meaningful in your life. When living your values you feel most like yourself and 'in the flow', connected, excited, glowing, effortless.
Take some time to consider what you appreciate about yourself, what you admire in others, and what your top values are. Then ask yourself these questions.
1) Why are these values important to you?
2) How do you feel about yourself when you are living out these values?
3) How do you feel about yourself when you are not living out these values?
4) What additional words line up with your values?
ie: Adventure, Discovery, Community, Education, Beauty, Fun, Inspiration, Entertainment, Creativity, Contribution, Fitness, Leading, Achievement, Family, Organizing, Health, Connecting, Friends, The Unknown, Environment, Change, Learning, Safety, Comfort, Challenge
(Here's the ouch once again.) What changes do you need to make in your life to express your values more often? (ie: If I value relationships, I will need to alter my schedule to accommodate the important people in my life.)
The more we align our time with the values of our heart, the more intentional/purposeful our life becomes which ultimately leads to more satisfied living.
Back to elaineolson.org
Monday, November 8, 2010
I Must Become More Responsible
Last night I attended what I thought was a high school choir production with guest soloist Denise Pelley, only to find out my daughter was singing in a benefit concert for Sudan! (Does anyone else get surprised like this by their teenagers?) In addition to being entertained by one of my favorite female soloists (besides Angela Mercer, of course), I was also surprised that Romeo Dallaire was there as a guest speaker. Pleasant surprise. His simple, but at times rather graphic, message can be boiled down to these compelling words he quoted from Sir Winston Churchill,
'When we become a world power, we must take responsibility for humanity beyond our own borders'.
In his comments, Dallaire also stated that Canada is the 11th most powerful nation in the world. Every Canadian with an annual income of over $30,000.00 is in the top 5% of the world's wealthiest people. In addition to his thoughts, 2009 World Bank statistics show that in approximately 50 countries in the world, the nationals earn less than $2,000 annually, and in nearly half of the countries in the world, the average annual income is does not exceed $5,000.
To me the message is: Whether we feel like it or not, you and I are a world power. The resources we have at our disposal (even if you earn less than $30K per year) is staggering, when compared to the majority of humanity we share the planet with.
It makes me think. It makes me thankful and above all, I recognize that I must become more responsible.
'When we become a world power, we must take responsibility for humanity beyond our own borders'.
In his comments, Dallaire also stated that Canada is the 11th most powerful nation in the world. Every Canadian with an annual income of over $30,000.00 is in the top 5% of the world's wealthiest people. In addition to his thoughts, 2009 World Bank statistics show that in approximately 50 countries in the world, the nationals earn less than $2,000 annually, and in nearly half of the countries in the world, the average annual income is does not exceed $5,000.
To me the message is: Whether we feel like it or not, you and I are a world power. The resources we have at our disposal (even if you earn less than $30K per year) is staggering, when compared to the majority of humanity we share the planet with.
It makes me think. It makes me thankful and above all, I recognize that I must become more responsible.
Friday, October 29, 2010
The Trouble With Money.......(an excerpt from my on-line course "Say I Do, Body, Soul, Spirit')
As I work to help couples resolve their conflicts, the top three presenting issues, consistently and repeatedly revolve around sex, communication and finances. (As an FYI, the title of my master's thesis was "Naked and Unashamed; Breaking Barriers Associated With Marital Sex.)
Insurance, government and bank statistics reveal that the majority of people do not have control over their finances. Temptation, ignorance and negligence usually contribute to financial pressure. By simply focusing on the situation, understanding a few principles and establishing a good framework, finances can come under control quite easily, offering greater marital stability while increasing the probability that you will enjoy the life you're working for.
Eight Basics For Financial Stability
1) Make a budget and keep it.
2) Keep a record of expenses.
3) Save even while paying debt.
4) Use credit cards only if you pay the full balance each month before interest is applied.
5) Tithe.
6) Make a will.
7) Keep financial records safe and in order.
8) Learn about laws on family benefits.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
'I Say a Little Prayer for You'
The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup, I say a little prayer for you........
From the time our daughters were toddlers, my husband would wake them up every morning by singing 'I Say A Little Prayer For You' by Dione Warwick. The girls loved it! Since, we've adopted this song as our family theme (that usually becomes a ridiculous, but heartfelt group performance whenever we're all together).
As our girls have now begun to venture from the nest, 'I say a little prayer for you' has taken on a whole new meaning. That's because I've realized my prayers can go where I cannot.
Prayer has the ability to transcend time and distance. We can see the affect of prayer with our very eyes, as evidenced through miracles and changes in our circumstances, but it is also highly effective in ways beyond our comprehension in realms and dimensions we may never tangibly experience. That’s because prayer connects to God who knows no limits. Therefore, our prayers can be effective in ways and places we cannot.
I remember a situation many years ago that highlighted for me the importance of 'saying a little prayer', and trusting God to meet a need beyond my ability.
One day, when we lived in the city of London, I decided to walk to the nearby grocery store to pick up a few ingredients for supper. As I waited to cross the busy street, a young boy appeared beside me. He immediately began talking about how convenient the school was since he moved in with his dad. Then without hesitation, he blurted out how incredibly relieved he was to be out of his mothers house, because “she treated me like dirt”.
The light turned green and we began to walk in different directions. Suddenly, my heart began to ache and my stomach wrenched. It was as though I felt the pain of his mother's hurtful words that assaulted him day after day. I wanted to comfort him, but there was little I could do as he continued on his way. Finally I called out to him, “Hey....it was nice talking to you. I truly hope you have a good day.” My words seemed pathetic. Inside, my mind was shouting out to him “You didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I hope you can find the strength in your heart to forgive your mother and carry on confidently through life.”
That’s when the thought came to me that prayer could go where I could not. With a quick little plea to an ever watchful God, my heart eased.
Whether it be for random situations as this, or for your own children, family or challenging circumstances, when you say a little prayer, believe! You have just opened doors of possibilities beyond your natural boundaries.
Back to elaineolson.org
From the time our daughters were toddlers, my husband would wake them up every morning by singing 'I Say A Little Prayer For You' by Dione Warwick. The girls loved it! Since, we've adopted this song as our family theme (that usually becomes a ridiculous, but heartfelt group performance whenever we're all together).
As our girls have now begun to venture from the nest, 'I say a little prayer for you' has taken on a whole new meaning. That's because I've realized my prayers can go where I cannot.
Prayer has the ability to transcend time and distance. We can see the affect of prayer with our very eyes, as evidenced through miracles and changes in our circumstances, but it is also highly effective in ways beyond our comprehension in realms and dimensions we may never tangibly experience. That’s because prayer connects to God who knows no limits. Therefore, our prayers can be effective in ways and places we cannot.
I remember a situation many years ago that highlighted for me the importance of 'saying a little prayer', and trusting God to meet a need beyond my ability.
One day, when we lived in the city of London, I decided to walk to the nearby grocery store to pick up a few ingredients for supper. As I waited to cross the busy street, a young boy appeared beside me. He immediately began talking about how convenient the school was since he moved in with his dad. Then without hesitation, he blurted out how incredibly relieved he was to be out of his mothers house, because “she treated me like dirt”.
The light turned green and we began to walk in different directions. Suddenly, my heart began to ache and my stomach wrenched. It was as though I felt the pain of his mother's hurtful words that assaulted him day after day. I wanted to comfort him, but there was little I could do as he continued on his way. Finally I called out to him, “Hey....it was nice talking to you. I truly hope you have a good day.” My words seemed pathetic. Inside, my mind was shouting out to him “You didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I hope you can find the strength in your heart to forgive your mother and carry on confidently through life.”
That’s when the thought came to me that prayer could go where I could not. With a quick little plea to an ever watchful God, my heart eased.
Whether it be for random situations as this, or for your own children, family or challenging circumstances, when you say a little prayer, believe! You have just opened doors of possibilities beyond your natural boundaries.
Back to elaineolson.org
Monday, October 11, 2010
Here's To The Process!
'Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to wife and the two shall become one flesh.'
Very often these words from Genesis 2:24 are quoted during wedding ceremonies as a lovely expectation for the loving new couple. While leaving his father and mother and joining to a wife seems simple enough, time and again, becoming one flesh ends up being a arduous marital task with the husband bewildered and the wife bemused as to why that didn't happen during the consummation of the marriage!
I'm so very thankful for the little words in the bible that illuminate the big phrases. In this case, the little word is 'shall' and means 'a foretelling of something to happen in the future'. Wow....what a relief! Becoming one flesh is a process that happens over time.
It takes time to get into the thoughts, ideas and plans of your spouse. It takes time to appreciate another person's values and make the necessary adjustments in your daily routines to accommodate them. The process of becoming one flesh doesn't happen instantaneously, but rather by trial and error. Yup, trial and error! In marriage, learning what to do to become one flesh often occurs by learning what not to do. It's a process that is rife with mistakes, hurt, disappointment and failure. It's also a process full of rewards.
So here's to the process. Take time. Be patient. Be forgiving. Your marriage is worth it!
Back to elaineolson.org
Very often these words from Genesis 2:24 are quoted during wedding ceremonies as a lovely expectation for the loving new couple. While leaving his father and mother and joining to a wife seems simple enough, time and again, becoming one flesh ends up being a arduous marital task with the husband bewildered and the wife bemused as to why that didn't happen during the consummation of the marriage!
I'm so very thankful for the little words in the bible that illuminate the big phrases. In this case, the little word is 'shall' and means 'a foretelling of something to happen in the future'. Wow....what a relief! Becoming one flesh is a process that happens over time.
It takes time to get into the thoughts, ideas and plans of your spouse. It takes time to appreciate another person's values and make the necessary adjustments in your daily routines to accommodate them. The process of becoming one flesh doesn't happen instantaneously, but rather by trial and error. Yup, trial and error! In marriage, learning what to do to become one flesh often occurs by learning what not to do. It's a process that is rife with mistakes, hurt, disappointment and failure. It's also a process full of rewards.
So here's to the process. Take time. Be patient. Be forgiving. Your marriage is worth it!
Back to elaineolson.org
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Run for the Cure
On Sunday, Oct 3rd, Jenessa, Madison and I will 'Run for the Cure'. Here's why.
On Friday, Sept 10th, 2010, my mother-in-law, Carol, passed away after a 12 year battle with breast cancer. She was a brave lady, choosing to live well to her very last breath. I learned a lot from her and miss her greatly. As life would have it, on the morning of Carol's funeral, my own mother was at the Tom Baker Cancer Clinic discussing (with Carol's former doctor) treatment options for breast cancer that was discovered in her body a few weeks earlier.
As a woman, who has three daughters, three sisters, three sister-in-laws, eleven nieces, numerous cousins, auntie's and girlfriends......I'd like to see more hopeful results and even a cure for this disease that continues to affect so many!
Back to elaineolson.org
On Friday, Sept 10th, 2010, my mother-in-law, Carol, passed away after a 12 year battle with breast cancer. She was a brave lady, choosing to live well to her very last breath. I learned a lot from her and miss her greatly. As life would have it, on the morning of Carol's funeral, my own mother was at the Tom Baker Cancer Clinic discussing (with Carol's former doctor) treatment options for breast cancer that was discovered in her body a few weeks earlier.
As a woman, who has three daughters, three sisters, three sister-in-laws, eleven nieces, numerous cousins, auntie's and girlfriends......I'd like to see more hopeful results and even a cure for this disease that continues to affect so many!
Back to elaineolson.org
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