Bitterness and resentment could be described as the smoldering, lingering embers of ongoing hostility. It's a feeling of injustice and if we were to call a spade a spade, we might venture to name it.....wait for it..... deep down hatred. Wow! That sounds so harsh! Perhaps it's easier to admit to a grievance, grudge or offense. Hatred? 'no'! Grudge? 'well maybe'.
We've all held grudges. They happen when two conditions are met. 1) something happens that we didn’t like. 2) we dwell on what happened that we didn’t like.
I like what Dr. Don Colbert says in his book ’Deadly Emotions’ . He says that grudges happen when we ‘rent out too much space in our heart for a particular hurt.’
The more we think things like,
“I don’t deserve to be treated like this”
“It isn’t fair”
“I am overworked and underpaid”
“This shouldn’t have happened”
“Nobody appreciates me”
“If only he hadn’t said that”
the bigger the grudge gets!
The antidote to bitterness and resentment is to rent out more heart space to love. Even to those that you may view as your enemies. Purposefully do something nice for that (nasty) person and definitely pray for them. You can’t honestly pray for someone while hating them. The truth is, we can't choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond.
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Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
All I Needed Was The Happy Ending
I’ve come to realize that the world is full of wonderful people who willingly give of their time, energy and resources even if it profits them nothing. For many, the only thanks they are looking for might be a happy ending! The events that unfolded for me yesterday beautifully highlight my point.
Last month my in-laws sent a birthday card to me here in Canada, from California, that strangely disappeared, until yesterday, when I received the email below. The subject heading read 'I received your birthday card'. Of course I read on, and here's what it revealed.
'Dear Elaine,
My name is Jayne and I live in a small town in the state of Maryland. I was on my way home from work Tuesday and stopped at the post office to pick up my mail. As I started opening the letters, I mistakenly opened a pink envelope to find a substantial amount of cash falling out. Unfortunately for me, it was not my mail, but a birthday card for you from your in-laws. (My P.O. Box is 413, just like yours. Different city and country however.)
I want to do the right thing and get this money to you as soon as possible. I'm sure your in-laws are beside themselves; I’m guessing they are older folks who might be worried sick about this. Admittedly, I must have trust issues, but with the economy the way it is these days, I did not want to give your birthday card and contents to a post office clerk. My father suggested I contact the postal inspector in our area but I decided to try the Internet first. To my amazement I was able to find your web page and an e-mail address.
I'm just stunned as to how this happened and why out of the millions of people in the country, I would end up with this card. Some things, I guess we'll never understand. I look forward to hearing from you and although I don't read my e-mails on a regular basis, you can bet I'll be glued to the computer for the next few days.
I hope you had a wonderful birthday and that this news makes it even better.'
Jayne’s actions have been so inspiring; reminding me of all the ‘Jayne’s’ that live in our community. These are the people who prefer to do the right thing even when it’s less beneficial to them. The ones who humbly consider the concerns of total strangers, above their own convenience and opportunity.
Interestingly, when I suggested that I'd like to send her a little 'thank you' for her trouble, in true Jayne-like fashion, she replied 'A little thank you isn't necessary. All I needed was the happy ending.'
It has been a happy ending indeed. Thank you, Jayne. I completely understand why, out of all the millions of people in the country this card came to you!
PS: When is your birthday?
Back to elaineolson.org
Last month my in-laws sent a birthday card to me here in Canada, from California, that strangely disappeared, until yesterday, when I received the email below. The subject heading read 'I received your birthday card'. Of course I read on, and here's what it revealed.
'Dear Elaine,
My name is Jayne and I live in a small town in the state of Maryland. I was on my way home from work Tuesday and stopped at the post office to pick up my mail. As I started opening the letters, I mistakenly opened a pink envelope to find a substantial amount of cash falling out. Unfortunately for me, it was not my mail, but a birthday card for you from your in-laws. (My P.O. Box is 413, just like yours. Different city and country however.)
I want to do the right thing and get this money to you as soon as possible. I'm sure your in-laws are beside themselves; I’m guessing they are older folks who might be worried sick about this. Admittedly, I must have trust issues, but with the economy the way it is these days, I did not want to give your birthday card and contents to a post office clerk. My father suggested I contact the postal inspector in our area but I decided to try the Internet first. To my amazement I was able to find your web page and an e-mail address.
I'm just stunned as to how this happened and why out of the millions of people in the country, I would end up with this card. Some things, I guess we'll never understand. I look forward to hearing from you and although I don't read my e-mails on a regular basis, you can bet I'll be glued to the computer for the next few days.
I hope you had a wonderful birthday and that this news makes it even better.'
Jayne’s actions have been so inspiring; reminding me of all the ‘Jayne’s’ that live in our community. These are the people who prefer to do the right thing even when it’s less beneficial to them. The ones who humbly consider the concerns of total strangers, above their own convenience and opportunity.
Interestingly, when I suggested that I'd like to send her a little 'thank you' for her trouble, in true Jayne-like fashion, she replied 'A little thank you isn't necessary. All I needed was the happy ending.'
It has been a happy ending indeed. Thank you, Jayne. I completely understand why, out of all the millions of people in the country this card came to you!
PS: When is your birthday?
Back to elaineolson.org
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The Contamination of Guilt and Shame
My how times flies! It's been a week and I'm just now getting back to addressing the toxic emotions previously mentioned. Let's start with the contamination of guilt and shame.
Guilt is the feeling of self-reproach when we have done something wrong. The trouble is, guilt can infect us so pervasively that we can feel it's mark whether we really should or not. For example, we feel guilty for spending too much time at the gym and we feel guilty for not spending enough time at the gym. We feel guilty for getting mad at the kids, we feel guilty for letting them off the hook. Guilty, guilty, guilty.
Shame arises from a wrong someone else has done to us. It is often linked to painful memories of past. Both guilt and shame have the ability to make us feel worthless, hopeless and even sometimes helpless. And both can create an endless circle of disappointment in ourselves.
Best way to detoxify guilt and shame is to understand the difference between true and false guilt. True guilt is a function of your conscience necessary for healthy living. When we violate a promise or vow, or choose to live below a standard we have willfully agreed to live by, we experience true guilt. That's a good thing. False guilt happens when we feel guilty about something we never subscribed to in the first place, or feel guilty because of someone else's standard imposed upon us or when we expect something of ourselves that is realistically unattainable.
What a difference a healthy conscience can make!
Back to elaineolson.org
Guilt is the feeling of self-reproach when we have done something wrong. The trouble is, guilt can infect us so pervasively that we can feel it's mark whether we really should or not. For example, we feel guilty for spending too much time at the gym and we feel guilty for not spending enough time at the gym. We feel guilty for getting mad at the kids, we feel guilty for letting them off the hook. Guilty, guilty, guilty.
Shame arises from a wrong someone else has done to us. It is often linked to painful memories of past. Both guilt and shame have the ability to make us feel worthless, hopeless and even sometimes helpless. And both can create an endless circle of disappointment in ourselves.
Best way to detoxify guilt and shame is to understand the difference between true and false guilt. True guilt is a function of your conscience necessary for healthy living. When we violate a promise or vow, or choose to live below a standard we have willfully agreed to live by, we experience true guilt. That's a good thing. False guilt happens when we feel guilty about something we never subscribed to in the first place, or feel guilty because of someone else's standard imposed upon us or when we expect something of ourselves that is realistically unattainable.
What a difference a healthy conscience can make!
Back to elaineolson.org
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