My Attempt At Changing A Statistic

2011-02-09T08:41:00.005-05:00

Last week my flight through Chicago was canceled due to 'Snomaggeden' (as the media called it), which left me stranded three extra days in Palm Desert, California (not a bad place to be stranded!) I considered this a perfect opportunity to finish a book I had brought along for my research to help young people find a compatible marriage partner. 'Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons' by Dr. Neil Clark Warren.

Like Dr. Warren had experienced in his private counseling practice before he founded eHarmony.com, I've often wondered if the couples I counsel pre-maritally have what it takes to stay in love for the rest of their life.

"The state of marriage is downright alarming in the United States. Nine out of every ten people in the U.S. will marry at least once during their lifetime. But out of the 90 percent who marry, nearly 50 percent will divorce. Another 20 to 25 percent will remain married though miserable. Did you catch that awful statistic? Putting it bluntly, nearly 75 percent of the marriages that take place this year will eventually turn sour."

Although this statistical quote from his book is not news, it certainly reinforces the need for greater premarital preparation. And....in my mind, preparation for marriage should start long before the first date. That's why I'm developing a course for young people called 'Smart Decisions in Dating'. The course is intended to help young people understand what I call 'personal value characteristics' unpacked in these three ways.

1) Core Characteristics - The values that drive me.
2) Life Characteristics - The values that I pursue.
3) Incompatible Characteristics - The values I must avoid.

If our young people have a clearer idea of their own personal values, I'm guessing they'll make better dating choices which will hopefully lead to more happily-ever-after marital unions. The bottom line is, this course is my attempt at changing a statistic.

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Living Life in the Light of Values

2011-01-25T22:39:00.006-05:00

My daughter gave me a 'goals' book for Christmas. Initially I was very excited and started working on it right away. It has now been 25 days since we rang in the new year (and celebrated my daughter's 21st birthday) and I am still working on understanding my core values; the starting point to defining goals.

Why does understanding my values seem so challenging? Perhaps it's not the exercise itself that's troublesome, but rather the fear that if I expose myself, even privately by writing my thoughts into a journal, my conscience will bother me until I align my time with what I say I value. Ouch.

Thoughts from the book.
Values govern how you act and how you feel. They are things that you do or find meaningful in your life. When living your values you feel most like yourself and 'in the flow', connected, excited, glowing, effortless.

Take some time to consider what you appreciate about yourself, what you admire in others, and what your top values are. Then ask yourself these questions.
1) Why are these values important to you?
2) How do you feel about yourself when you are living out these values?
3) How do you feel about yourself when you are not living out these values?
4) What additional words line up with your values?

ie: Adventure, Discovery, Community, Education, Beauty, Fun, Inspiration, Entertainment, Creativity, Contribution, Fitness, Leading, Achievement, Family, Organizing, Health, Connecting, Friends, The Unknown, Environment, Change, Learning, Safety, Comfort, Challenge

(Here's the ouch once again.) What changes do you need to make in your life to express your values more often? (ie: If I value relationships, I will need to alter my schedule to accommodate the important people in my life.)

The more we align our time with the values of our heart, the more intentional/purposeful our life becomes which ultimately leads to more satisfied living.

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I Must Become More Responsible

2010-11-08T12:47:00.011-05:00

Last night I attended what I thought was a high school choir production with guest soloist Denise Pelley, only to find out my daughter was singing in a benefit concert for Sudan! (Does anyone else get surprised like this by their teenagers?) In addition to being entertained by one of my favorite female soloists (besides Angela Mercer, of course), I was also surprised that Romeo Dallaire was there as a guest speaker. Pleasant surprise. His simple, but at times rather graphic, message can be boiled down to these compelling words he quoted from Sir Winston Churchill,

'When we become a world power, we must take responsibility for humanity beyond our own borders'.

In his comments, Dallaire also stated that Canada is the 11th most powerful nation in the world. Every Canadian with an annual income of over $30,000.00 is in the top 5% of the world's wealthiest people. In addition to his thoughts, 2009 World Bank statistics show that in approximately 50 countries in the world, the nationals earn less than $2,000 annually, and in nearly half of the countries in the world, the average annual income is does not exceed $5,000.

To me the message is: Whether we feel like it or not, you and I are a world power. The resources we have at our disposal (even if you earn less than $30K per year) is staggering, when compared to the majority of humanity we share the planet with.

It makes me think. It makes me thankful and above all, I recognize that I must become more responsible.

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The Trouble With Money.......(an excerpt from my on-line course "Say I Do, Body, Soul, Spirit')

2010-10-29T09:59:00.004-04:00

As I work to help couples resolve their conflicts, the top three presenting issues, consistently and repeatedly revolve around sex, communication and finances. (As an FYI, the title of my master's thesis was "Naked and Unashamed; Breaking Barriers Associated With Marital Sex.)

Insurance, government and bank statistics reveal that the majority of people do not have control over their finances. Temptation, ignorance and negligence usually contribute to financial pressure. By simply focusing on the situation, understanding a few principles and establishing a good framework, finances can come under control quite easily, offering greater marital stability while increasing the probability that you will enjoy the life you're working for.

Eight Basics For Financial Stability

1) Make a budget and keep it.

2) Keep a record of expenses.

3) Save even while paying debt.

4) Use credit cards only if you pay the full balance each month before interest is applied.

5) Tithe.

6) Make a will.

7) Keep financial records safe and in order.

8) Learn about laws on family benefits.

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'I Say a Little Prayer for You'

2010-10-16T09:42:00.007-04:00

The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup, I say a little prayer for you........

From the time our daughters were toddlers, my husband would wake them up every morning by singing 'I Say A Little Prayer For You' by Dione Warwick. The girls loved it! Since, we've adopted this song as our family theme (that usually becomes a ridiculous, but heartfelt group performance whenever we're all together).

As our girls have now begun to venture from the nest, 'I say a little prayer for you' has taken on a whole new meaning. That's because I've realized my prayers can go where I cannot.

Prayer has the ability to transcend time and distance. We can see the affect of prayer with our very eyes, as evidenced through miracles and changes in our circumstances, but it is also highly effective in ways beyond our comprehension in realms and dimensions we may never tangibly experience. That’s because prayer connects to God who knows no limits. Therefore, our prayers can be effective in ways and places we cannot.

I remember a situation many years ago that highlighted for me the importance of 'saying a little prayer', and trusting God to meet a need beyond my ability.

One day, when we lived in the city of London, I decided to walk to the nearby grocery store to pick up a few ingredients for supper. As I waited to cross the busy street, a young boy appeared beside me. He immediately began talking about how convenient the school was since he moved in with his dad. Then without hesitation, he blurted out how incredibly relieved he was to be out of his mothers house, because “she treated me like dirt”.

The light turned green and we began to walk in different directions. Suddenly, my heart began to ache and my stomach wrenched. It was as though I felt the pain of his mother's hurtful words that assaulted him day after day. I wanted to comfort him, but there was little I could do as he continued on his way. Finally I called out to him, “Hey....it was nice talking to you. I truly hope you have a good day.” My words seemed pathetic. Inside, my mind was shouting out to him “You didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I hope you can find the strength in your heart to forgive your mother and carry on confidently through life.”

That’s when the thought came to me that prayer could go where I could not. With a quick little plea to an ever watchful God, my heart eased.

Whether it be for random situations as this, or for your own children, family or challenging circumstances, when you say a little prayer, believe! You have just opened doors of possibilities beyond your natural boundaries.

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Here's To The Process!

2010-10-11T18:21:00.006-04:00

'Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to wife and the two shall become one flesh.'

Very often these words from Genesis 2:24 are quoted during wedding ceremonies as a lovely expectation for the loving new couple. While leaving his father and mother and joining to a wife seems simple enough, time and again, becoming one flesh ends up being a arduous marital task with the husband bewildered and the wife bemused as to why that didn't happen during the consummation of the marriage!

I'm so very thankful for the little words in the bible that illuminate the big phrases. In this case, the little word is 'shall' and means 'a foretelling of something to happen in the future'. Wow....what a relief! Becoming one flesh is a process that happens over time.

It takes time to get into the thoughts, ideas and plans of your spouse. It takes time to appreciate another person's values and make the necessary adjustments in your daily routines to accommodate them. The process of becoming one flesh doesn't happen instantaneously, but rather by trial and error. Yup, trial and error! In marriage, learning what to do to become one flesh often occurs by learning what not to do. It's a process that is rife with mistakes, hurt, disappointment and failure. It's also a process full of rewards.

So here's to the process. Take time. Be patient. Be forgiving. Your marriage is worth it!

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Run for the Cure

2010-09-30T17:08:00.001-04:00

On Sunday, Oct 3rd, Jenessa, Madison and I will 'Run for the Cure'. Here's why.

On Friday, Sept 10th, 2010, my mother-in-law, Carol, passed away after a 12 year battle with breast cancer. She was a brave lady, choosing to live well to her very last breath. I learned a lot from her and miss her greatly. As life would have it, on the morning of Carol's funeral, my own mother was at the Tom Baker Cancer Clinic discussing (with Carol's former doctor) treatment options for breast cancer that was discovered in her body a few weeks earlier.

As a woman, who has three daughters, three sisters, three sister-in-laws, eleven nieces, numerous cousins, auntie's and girlfriends......I'd like to see more hopeful results and even a cure for this disease that continues to affect so many!
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I Am The Sum Total.....

2010-09-29T09:08:00.006-04:00

Several years ago, I was driving one of my daughters to a cross country meet a few hours away from home. Always careful of what I say on race day so as not to 'jinx' her, we sat quietly for most of the trip. Finally, curiosity got the best of me, so I broke the silence with this question. 'How do you think you'll do today?' Her answer was most interesting. 'Mom,' she replied, 'When I woke up this morning, I looked into the mirror and said to myself, 'You're gonna win!'

And she did.

I have often wondered how that race would have played out if she would have had a different confession that morning. What if she looked at herself and said 'You look terrible.' or 'There are other girls racing today that are so much faster than you. Just give up.'

Joel Osteen, one of America's foremost Christian influencers said this 'I am the sum total of everything I have been confessing through the years.'

While I do not buy into a name-it-and-claim-it religion, I do believe that our words have power. Just as God created everything that exists with the spoken word, so do our words shape and mold our own existence. Imagine, our little tongue has the power to set the course of a lifetime! No matter what our circumstances might be, we have the option to speak about them in a life-giving, hope-filled way, or to offer words that produce hopelessness and discouragement.

I don't know about you, but Joel's statement feels like an 'ouch' to my soul. I know I can do better with my words. After all, there is only one race for me and I plan to win!

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2010-09-27T09:08:00.012-04:00

A Tribute to My Mom (in law)

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion and a whirl wind of activity but through the conversations, the memories, and the days of laughter and tears, two distinct and wonderful truths have come crystal clear in my mind.

1) God knows how to give good gifts to his children.
2) Carol has joined a great crowd of spectators in heaven cheering her family on.

Carol was a gift to me. A very good gift to me. Over the recent days, a flood of understanding has swept over my heart revealing the height, and depth, the breadth and width of love, compassion and blessing this gift of 'Carol' has been in my life. To recant the reasons would take a lifetime. So I'll sum it up by saying this, I feel like I am one of the two luckiest girls on earth to be called Carols' daughter-in-law! God has given me a tremendously good gift! The gift of 'Carol' has changed my life for good.

Carol's passion was her family. She was especially crazy about her fifteen grandchildren. She spent countless hours watching volleyball, basketball, skating, hockey, soccer and ringette games, races at various tracks all over the country, drama productions and musical presentations. Even if it meant she had to go to Africa to be with a few of her grands, she was there. Now, though we may not see her face or hear her voice, she is still the family's biggest cheerleader, with a front row seat in heaven! She would want us to live strong, to make good choices, be kind to all people and accomplish our dreams. She was very proud of her family. We are her dream come true.

I miss my dear sweet mom-in-law so much already. She will be with me like a handprint on my heart. But no matter how my story ends, I know she has re-written mine by being my friend. I am truly blessed!
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Sitting Alone.....

2010-07-08T15:19:00.008-04:00

Today I am alone. Not really by choice, it just so happened that all my family is somewhere else today. (Unfortunately, this seems to be happening more and more often, with my daughters being the age that they are). Interestingly, I learned something about myself today while being alone. I realized I don't really like being alone, (my numerous trips to my computer to check out who was on Facebook was a clear indication of that). Perhaps the reason I don't like being alone is because I feel very bored.

Being alone is something many people experience on a daily basis. So being in the profession that I am, I naturally asked the question

'How can people overcome boredom when they find themselves alone?'

Here's what came to mind.

Try something new. Experiment with cooking. Take an exercise class. Read a book from a genre you would typically avoid. Try playing a musical instrument. Join a class at the library or church. Find a new park and go for a walk. Invite an old acquaintance for coffee. Stepping out of your comfort zone to try something new requires courage, but who knows, you might discover a hidden talent or meet someone new in the process.

Make a list of things you've been wanting to do and do them. Sometimes when we're alone, we feel lonely. Loneliness can be discouraging causing us to put off things we really should get done. I challenge you, make a list, prioritize the list and one by one begin to check off those chores as they are completed. You'll feel great about your accomplishments!

Take time to think. Thinking is very therapeutic, positive thinking that is. All too often we listen to what others think and don't take the time to think about what we think. Do it now. Think about your values; what is important to you and why. Think about what it would have been like growing up in the 1800's or why womens' dresses were so uncomfortably designed. Think about what makes you uniquely you; who you influence and what your role in history could be. Think about God, who He is and what He means to you. Think about what you would do if you won the lottery. Think about favorite childhood memories or about the crazy teenage years. When life gets busy, we often wish we had more time to think. Take time to think and be sure to think positively.

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If My Finite Mind Could Grasp The Infinite.....

2010-06-25T12:47:00.004-04:00

I'm in the middle of receiving by email '100 Portraits of Perseverance'; one Portrait has been arriving via my inbox, each day for the past few months. Here's my paraphrased thoughts of one I read this morning.

If my finite mind could grasp the infinite, then the infinite would be finite.

God is so much greater than my understanding. His ways go beyond the probe of my mind and those of the earth's satellites. His thoughts are higher than the utmost reach of my questing. His mysteries escape the boundaries of the heavens, His majesty extends beyond my most daring imagination. I cannot grasp even a whisper of His wonder. He holds the stars and galaxies on their unerring courses, yet considers my frail and finite life. The universe and all it contains are constantly in His care...... simultaneously.

If I dare to limit God to my understanding, I risk losing the assurance of His total and unending sovereignty in my life.

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His Method Was Love Not Hate

2010-05-10T08:38:00.007-04:00

I've been reading some of Martin Luther King Jr's writings and have felt very challenged......to say the least. His life was the focus of one cause. Justice for all. His hope was that a conviction of the human heart would affect the laws of society. His method was love not hate. In the face of intense persecution, physical and verbal abuse and with the odds stacked against him, he exemplified courage and stayed the course, his example eventually served to reconcile a nation.

Although my challenges seem insignificant in light of Martin Luther King Jr's, the words he spoke to supporters of the truth have encouraged me to keep working, trusting and believing that He who has begun a good work in me will complete it, in His time and way. I just need to keep marching on.

"I know that you are asking today, 'How long will it take?' I come to say to you this afternoon, however difficult the moment, however frustrating the hour, it will not be long because truth pressed to the earth will rise again.
How long?, Not long, because no lie can live forever.
How long?, Not long, because you will reap what you sow.
How long?, Not long, because the arm of the moral universe bends towards justice.
How long?, Not long, because mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord, trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored. He has loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword. His truth is marching on. He has sounded forth the trumpets that shall never call retreat. He is lifting up the hearts of man before the judgment seat. Oh, be swift my soul to answer Him, be jubilant my feet. Our God is marching on. "

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A Perennial Attitude

2010-05-05T21:59:00.002-04:00

The last few weeks have been a bit rough. I feel like my attitude has been under reconstruction, (again). So what I normally do when I get stressed, is get outside and try to enjoy nature. Thankfully the weather has been remarkable this spring and I have been able to do some digging in my garden. Perhaps that's why these words 'have a perennial attitude' have been ringing in my ears.

So today, I actually took the time to consider what having a 'perennial attitude' might mean. Here's a few facts I discovered about perennials.

Perennials grow year after year.
Perennials bloom even when conditions are not favorable.
Perennials have a root system that does not die at the end of the blooming cycle.
Perennials will thrive again after pruning.
Perennials multiply themselves.

Alright then, remain constant, keep growing even in unfavorable conditions, put your roots down and new life will come. A Perennial Attitude!

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Like A Handprint On My Heart

2010-04-15T08:25:00.005-04:00

This blog is about one of my VERY best friends. A lady that has profoundly impacted my life....I can't even begin to count the ways or times her friendship has saved me, been a rock to stand on, challenged me to believe for more or simply just let me be who I am without judgment. My words seems shallow compared to the depth of gratitude I feel in my heart. Who could have guessed that the last 22 years would go this way? So today, on your birthday, I pray favor upon you, I pray that the blessings of God will overtake you and that the He who is able to exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think will grant you the desires of your heart and more!!
I love you up to the stars!

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn and we are led
To those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

So much of me is made of what I learned ...from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

I do believe I have been changed for the better
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

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A Friend Sent Me This Today....

2010-04-07T15:52:00.005-04:00

"When sorrow and tragedy strike, and we are tempted to ask those close to us, “Where is God? Why does He not come to me?” Stop and think a minute... What if this nearby friend happens to be God?

If God at times draws near us through the beauty and wonder of nature, how much more can He draw near through our friends? If He speaks to us through the tones of the wind and the murmuring of the sea, how much clearer can he speak to us through the vibrant voices of our friends?

One of the great Greek words of the New Testament is Koinonia, translated “fellowship.” It is a word packed with meaning, used to express the most intimate kinds of human friendships. It expresses one of the richest heritages and experiences we can have in life. To have true friends. It is a special gift of God to each of us.

Acts 2:42 tells us that the New Testament church “devoted themselves to fellowship". They did not merely have friends; they “devoted” themselves to friendship. It was not a luxury; it was a necessity. It was a bond, a spiritual community. It was sharing together in joint partnership, the joys and challenges of life. They needed each other and were sustained by the supportive and affirming friendships of each other."

Today as I read this.....I am so thankful for the love and devotion I have experienced through my friends. I also ask God for the ability to be a faithful friend to others in their times of need.

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A Bunny Story....Might be Appropriate Timing

2010-03-31T13:43:00.004-04:00

We came home from our 25th anniversary celebration trip 6 weeks ago to find that our daughter's welcomed a new member into our family. A GIANT Norwegian rabbit! (Yup, if you Google 'Giant Norwegian Rabbit' and scan the images, you'll see the size of what we now have living in our basement.)

So....yesterday, being the beautiful spring day it was in southern Ontario, I decided to get out a lawn chair and sit out on the patio. Feeling a little benevolent towards our fluffy friend, I brought her out to join me. To my total surprise, she was petrified by the experience. (She's never been outside come to think of it.) I watched her crouch down as low as she could get, her eyes wide and shaking with fear. When I kneeled down beside her to offer comfort, she leapt into my lap, almost knocking me over! (She's no small bunny, her mother was 18lbs!) After soothing her for several minutes, I tried setting her down again, only to have her scurry under my chair and eventually hop back into the house, down the stairs and into her dark corner of the basement.

'Interestingly sad', I thought. Our bunny's reaction forced me to consider how easily we become accustomed to living in the dark and how the old and familiar, even though lacking in many ways, can be more comfortable than risking the new.

With the celebration of Easter this weekend and the new life it represents in many ways, I hope my bunny story will cause some reflection (even if fleeting) about your comfort zones and whether or not the risk of something new might be worth it.

PS: Since we're talking about risking something new, does anyone want a pet rabbit? (she's litter trained.....comes with a cage.....is quite beautiful.....doesn't make noise....your kids would think it's the best Easter Bunny ever.....)

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You Might Learn Something New

2010-03-29T08:48:00.003-04:00

I just returned home after five days in Lethbridge, Alberta recording for the Miracle Channel www.miraclechannel.ca. I am incredibly blessed by the people I rubbed shoulders with on set! First of all, it's always a good time on the Miracle Channel with Fred and Val Bennett and all the staff and volunteers that make that place humm! With a new CEO, Pastor Leon Fontaine from Springs Church www.springschurch.com I think the channel is onto something new with greater potential than ever before.
It was a tremendous pleasure to sit next to and reacquaint with other friends of the Miracle Channel who are doing wonderful things in this nation!!! Anthony Greco from Calgary Life Church www.calgarylifechurch.com , John and Helen Burns from Relate church in Vancouver www.familyvictory.com/ministries/vancouver.html and James Goll from www.encountersnetwork.com
Watch for my interview on The Bridge program coming soon, you might learn something new about communicating with your spouse!

It's that crazy!

2009-12-28T13:17:00.002-05:00

Interesting how technology works.....or doesn't!
Since my last blog, I have tried several times per week to log on and share my thoughts, unsuccessfully. So this week, I decided to get to the bottom of the problem and guess what? When I tried to log in today, it worked the first time! It actually caught me off guard with nothing to say! Isn't that crazy!

Hope your technology troubles work themselves out today too!

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A Worry Story Worth Repeating

2009-11-09T11:26:00.002-05:00

Is there a magic cut-off period when our children become accountable for their own
actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in
the lives of their children and shrug, 'It's their life,' and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties , I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do you stop worrying?' The nurse said,'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.

My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own
life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my dad's warm smile and his
occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are
You depressed about something?'

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered. I was worried.'

I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.

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For Better or For Worse

2009-10-13T11:15:00.002-04:00

Twenty five years ago today, I walked down the aisle and pledged my life-long vows at the marital altar. Did I know what I was doing, heck no! Words like young, naive and happy came to mind as I reminisced last night. For sure I never would have imagined that the 'for betters or for worses' could have been what they have been. (Perhaps the inability to foresee what's ahead is what keeps young couples making the glassy-eyed procession time and time again.)

Every marriage, bar none, has their own unique set of 'for betters or for worses'. Sometimes they are unexpected and sometimes planned. They can be both welcomed and despised, bring joy and tears and have desirable and undesirable consequences simultaneously. Whether they are appreciated or not, all married couples experience them and are forced to re-think their definition of 'for better or for worse', as a result.

The truth is, our 'for betters and for worses' are never a surprise to God. He foreknew what my marriage would experience long before the invitations were sent out. He was aware of the disappointments, the frustrations, the wonders and the challenges as part of His great plan to refine both my husband and I into His image. I find these thoughts comforting. And in the light of His will to give us a hope and a future, I can trust the next 25 years into His hands, for better or for worse.
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The Last 86 Days of 2009!!!!

2009-10-05T09:49:00.004-04:00

Has 2009 been the year you expected it to be? For sure it has surpassed my expectations in some ways and fallen short in others. So with 86 days left, I've decided to make a list of how I'd like to spend the rest of 2009. Actually my list looks alot like a Point of Grace song, 'How You Live'.

Wake up to the sunlight with your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress, use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes

And have what you want, but want what you have
And don't spend your life looking back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances and let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Looking back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ballgames and go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children, dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night

Don't run from the truth 'cause you can't get away, no
Face it and you'll be okay

Oh, wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin
So give to the needy, and pray for the grieving
Even when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
And make peace with God, and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end, there's nobody else

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances and let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Looking back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

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Six Whole Months? You're Kidding!

2009-10-04T18:41:00.004-04:00

Wow....has it been 6 months since I've logged my thoughts here? (Makes me wonder if I really do think about anything worth writing!)
Truth be told, the past 6 months have included no less than 26 airline flights criss-crossing the western hemisphere, 18 hours of live television, numerous wonderful appointments with my very special clients, a family vacation and a few opportunities to speak my thoughts from various platforms. When it all boils down, I've realized once again that time flies!
So....making the best of time, seizing the moment and living without regrets IS so important! How will you live your next 6 months? Next 3 months? Next 3 days? I hope it's full of intentional actions, loving deeds, and taking the time to write encouraging thoughts to anyone who might take their time to read it!
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A Marriage Moment

2009-04-12T18:58:00.004-04:00

Marriages thrive when partners decide to make it a priority to do the things that create hope for the other.

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An Unthinking Attachment to the Status Quo

2009-04-07T19:46:00.009-04:00

Change has become a predictable friend in my life. During the first 14 years of my marriage, we lived in 8 different cities on three continents. When we moved to South Western Ontario in 1998, I thought life would settle down. Of course, that didn’t happen. While my location has remained constant, my relationships, parenting responsibilities, level of education, employment status etc. etc. has been in a constant state of flux, forcing even deeper changes, ......like the way I think about change.

Most often we resist change because it makes us feel like we've lost control. Change has a way of disrupting the familiar and comfortable, and can challenge our long held beliefs and assumptions about life. We don’t like that.

I’ve learned that resisting change can be very unhealthy. If we deny the truth of our changed situation or try to run from it, conflict and stress increase. Come to think about it, we usually resist change simply because we have an unthinking attachment to the status quo. Yup, an unthinking attachment to the status quo. (That means, we do what everyone else is doing, just because that's what everyone else is doing.)

Like a true friend, however, change challenges us to think. It causes us to evaluate what we’ve been doing and why. It often demands that we envision a new future for ourselves, recognizing the fears and barriers that limit forward movement. Change challenges us to pursue new goals and creatively conceive of ways to accomplish them. Above all, change compels us to trust God in ways beyond our previous experience of Him.

If we embrace this friend called change, (with all it's discomfort) we have welcomed the risk of becoming more than who we presently are.

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The Poison of Fear and Worry

2009-04-01T11:54:00.002-04:00

Mark Twain once said ‘I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.’

Worry and fear act like a poisonous substance in our bodies, producing stress. The more we worry or fear about our children, our finances, our health, our relationships, the laundry piling up, what to wear etc. etc. etc. the more fatigued our stress hormones become. These same stress hormones that were created in us to get us mobile in cases of emergency, now begin to work against us, leaving us depressed, anxious or angry.

My short answer to worry and fear is to practice daily mindfulness. Stay focused on what you can do today. Make the most of the 86,400 seconds you have available right here, right now. That means essentially two things. One, decide what is important, what your priorities and responsibilities are for today and make them happen. Two, while you are doing what you need to do today, take time to notice what you enjoy about it. Be mindful to really live and enjoy the present moments. When we live in the beauty and wonder of what God has provided for us today, worry and fear subsides causing our bodies to de-stress naturally.

Jesus said it this way, 'Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it's own things'.

I hope you enjoy your day!

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The Venom of Bitterness and Resentment

2009-03-11T21:45:00.004-04:00

Bitterness and resentment could be described as the smoldering, lingering embers of ongoing hostility. It's a feeling of injustice and if we were to call a spade a spade, we might venture to name it.....wait for it..... deep down hatred. Wow! That sounds so harsh! Perhaps it's easier to admit to a grievance, grudge or offense. Hatred? 'no'! Grudge? 'well maybe'.

We've all held grudges. They happen when two conditions are met. 1) something happens that we didn’t like. 2) we dwell on what happened that we didn’t like.

I like what Dr. Don Colbert says in his book ’Deadly Emotions’ . He says that grudges happen when we ‘rent out too much space in our heart for a particular hurt.’

The more we think things like,
“I don’t deserve to be treated like this”
“It isn’t fair”
“I am overworked and underpaid”
“This shouldn’t have happened”
“Nobody appreciates me”
“If only he hadn’t said that”

the bigger the grudge gets!

The antidote to bitterness and resentment is to rent out more heart space to love. Even to those that you may view as your enemies. Purposefully do something nice for that (nasty) person and definitely pray for them. You can’t honestly pray for someone while hating them. The truth is, we can't choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond.

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All I Needed Was The Happy Ending

2009-03-05T07:18:00.008-05:00

I’ve come to realize that the world is full of wonderful people who willingly give of their time, energy and resources even if it profits them nothing. For many, the only thanks they are looking for might be a happy ending! The events that unfolded for me yesterday beautifully highlight my point.

Last month my in-laws sent a birthday card to me here in Canada, from California, that strangely disappeared, until yesterday, when I received the email below. The subject heading read 'I received your birthday card'. Of course I read on, and here's what it revealed.

'Dear Elaine,
My name is Jayne and I live in a small town in the state of Maryland. I was on my way home from work Tuesday and stopped at the post office to pick up my mail. As I started opening the letters, I mistakenly opened a pink envelope to find a substantial amount of cash falling out. Unfortunately for me, it was not my mail, but a birthday card for you from your in-laws. (My P.O. Box is 413, just like yours. Different city and country however.)

I want to do the right thing and get this money to you as soon as possible. I'm sure your in-laws are beside themselves; I’m guessing they are older folks who might be worried sick about this. Admittedly, I must have trust issues, but with the economy the way it is these days, I did not want to give your birthday card and contents to a post office clerk. My father suggested I contact the postal inspector in our area but I decided to try the Internet first. To my amazement I was able to find your web page and an e-mail address.

I'm just stunned as to how this happened and why out of the millions of people in the country, I would end up with this card. Some things, I guess we'll never understand. I look forward to hearing from you and although I don't read my e-mails on a regular basis, you can bet I'll be glued to the computer for the next few days.

I hope you had a wonderful birthday and that this news makes it even better.'

Jayne’s actions have been so inspiring; reminding me of all the ‘Jayne’s’ that live in our community. These are the people who prefer to do the right thing even when it’s less beneficial to them. The ones who humbly consider the concerns of total strangers, above their own convenience and opportunity.

Interestingly, when I suggested that I'd like to send her a little 'thank you' for her trouble, in true Jayne-like fashion, she replied 'A little thank you isn't necessary. All I needed was the happy ending.'

It has been a happy ending indeed. Thank you, Jayne. I completely understand why, out of all the millions of people in the country this card came to you!

PS: When is your birthday?

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The Contamination of Guilt and Shame

2009-03-04T21:45:00.003-05:00

My how times flies! It's been a week and I'm just now getting back to addressing the toxic emotions previously mentioned. Let's start with the contamination of guilt and shame.

Guilt is the feeling of self-reproach when we have done something wrong. The trouble is, guilt can infect us so pervasively that we can feel it's mark whether we really should or not. For example, we feel guilty for spending too much time at the gym and we feel guilty for not spending enough time at the gym. We feel guilty for getting mad at the kids, we feel guilty for letting them off the hook. Guilty, guilty, guilty.

Shame arises from a wrong someone else has done to us. It is often linked to painful memories of past. Both guilt and shame have the ability to make us feel worthless, hopeless and even sometimes helpless. And both can create an endless circle of disappointment in ourselves.

Best way to detoxify guilt and shame is to understand the difference between true and false guilt. True guilt is a function of your conscience necessary for healthy living. When we violate a promise or vow, or choose to live below a standard we have willfully agreed to live by, we experience true guilt. That's a good thing. False guilt happens when we feel guilty about something we never subscribed to in the first place, or feel guilty because of someone else's standard imposed upon us or when we expect something of ourselves that is realistically unattainable.

What a difference a healthy conscience can make!

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You're Not At the Mercy of Your Emotions!

2009-02-25T15:34:00.008-05:00

Emotions can be a wonderful part of life, allowing us the opportunity to live life to the fullest. A wedding would be dull without that tiny heartfelt tear trickling down the cheek. And the sheer joy of watching your child accomplish a great task makes the victory that much sweeter! Emotions have the potential to 'save the day' or........ to 'kill the moment'.

Some of our emotions about ourselves or our situation are purely toxic. They drain our lives of vitality and purpose, or rob us of the ability to truly appreciate ourselves, which ultimately limits our ability to love others.

When we detoxify, we take the necessary steps to remove poisons or eliminate the build-up of unwanted substances that prohibit healthy living. Sometimes we need to take an inventory of our heart, and detoxify it of harmful emotions. In my upcoming blogs I'd like to expose three potentially devastating toxic feelings and offer ways to rid them from your system.

The Contamination of Guilt and Shame
The Venom of Bitterness and Resentment
The Poison of Fear and Worry

You're not at the mercy of your emotions!

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Be The Bridge

2009-02-24T09:04:00.003-05:00

We read in Hebrews 11:1 that faith is the substance of what we hope for. What exactly does that mean? Here's my take.

Place your hands and arms straight out from the sides of your body, palms up. On one hand you have the present reality of your situation. The good, the bad, the ugly. On the other hand you have what you are hoping for in your relationships, your finances and your health. This second hand represents the dreams and purposes of God for your life.

What stands in the middle, between your present situation and your future hopes, is you! Your faith in God's promises becomes the bridge between what you are currently experiencing and where you (and God) would rather you were. As you read, listen to and hear the truth of what God thinks about you, your faith increases. Keep believing that your appropriate actions and attitudes will produce the rewards they should. Keep hoping that what you see is not the end of your story. Keep trusting that as you do the possible, God will do the impossible. Be the bridge.

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Rain, Rain Go Away

2009-02-18T21:22:00.003-05:00

Several years ago, my husband and I went through a particularly rainy season in our marriage. Perhaps the word ‘stormy’ or the words ‘torrential hurricane-like downpours’ would be a more accurate way of describing it.

During one particularly nasty deluge, my anger swirled like tornado. The screaming, door slamming and throwing of household objects frightened my daughter so much that she called the police. That moment broke the dam of my heart. The turbulent heavy rain finally cracked through the hardened condition of my soul. What was I doing? How had it come to this? My sobs of brokenness washed away the years of build up and frustration. The soil of my heart was changing.

I went to my office to ask God for the secret of changing my husband. I took my bible and flopped it open. I closed my eyes and randomly pointed to some scripture on some random page. Even though I don’t recommend this type of bible study, in my sodden state, these seeds from Proverbs 25:28 were sown into the soil of my heart.

“Whoever has no rule over his own spirit, is like a broken down city, without walls.”

Shockingly, those words seemed directed at me. Was I contributing to the damp days of my relationship? Were my own actions and attitudes stirring the relational tempest?

Looking closer, this verse seemed to indicate that it was possible to control my anger. And in not doing so, I was allowing everything that was important to me to be unprotected and vulnerable. My family was at risk because of my lack of self-control.

Then, I was reminded of the life of the Apostle Paul. Even though ship wrecked, beaten, rejected and thrown into prison, he managed to keep his cool. He faced certain storms, yet his actions remained honorable.

Let me wind down this rainy day tale. Through my personal storm, the crustiness of my heart was softened as I chose to cultivate new thoughts towards my relationship. My stagnant attitude was eventually washed away with fresh thinking. Amazingly, our typical patterns of escalation stopped. Over and over, like the seasons of rain changes the demographic of the landscape, so over time the backdrop of our marriage was re-designed.

Yes, there are legitimate days we wish the rain would ‘go away and come again another day’. I certainly never wanted to have a ‘domestic’ but years after that storm has come and gone, there has been plenty of life and growth. I’m thankful and when I see thunderclouds on the horizon, I hunker down and cautiously say ‘let it rain’.

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Taking the Limits Off Love!

2009-02-11T11:54:00.001-05:00

(An excerpt from Say I Do Body, Soul, Spirit)

There are days that I just don’t understand how God could think the way He does. That’s because my natural mind is very limited to what I have been taught or have personally experienced. However, when I choose to Say I Do with my spirit, I am choosing to live life beyond the confines of my natural understanding. My behaviour takes its cues, not from any negative life experiences or untrustworthy emotions, but from my spiritual values. In doing so, the thoughts of God take precedent over my thoughts.

When we agree with the thoughts of God, the natural limits come off. That’s because God’s thoughts are so much higher than our own. He sees the big picture that we are only experiencing from our tiny understanding. We are no longer disabled by our limited viewpoint, but we are enabled by God’s unlimited perspective. Let me say that again. When we choose to align our married lives by God’s perspective, we are choosing to Say I Do with our spirit. When that happens, we are no longer disabled by our limited viewpoint, but we are enabled by God’s unlimited perspective! And that’s how to take the limits off love!

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The Grinch Who Stole Marriage

2009-02-10T09:14:00.006-05:00

Since I have presented the 'Say I Do' workshop numerous times in various settings, I naively thought it would be easy to put into a couples study. Not true. The problem is as a result of my heart! Something incredible has happened inside me in the last several months. Like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, it feels like my heart has grown three sizes a day! It’s pounding with hope and full of desire to see you experience the best that marriage can offer. I could hardly choose what to include in the teachings. I want to assure you that you don’t have to continue to experience pain when you think of your marriage, or fear that you’ll never have the love you once dreamt about. With my whole heart.... I’ve attempted to capture some great counseling therapies, biblical truths and personal insights on how to find more love in your marriage.

When we choose to Say I Do Body, Soul, Spirit, we choose to align our lives with what God would have us do. That requires an understanding of God’s will for our marriage and a commitment to be the person we need to be. I pray you will rise to the challenge! I pray that faith and courage will come alive in your heart so you can Say I Do Body, Soul, Spirit. When that happens, perhaps your heart for your marriage will grow three sizes a day!

Say I Do Body, Soul, Spirit is now available as a couple's study. Visit the Resources page on my website to purchase!

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Happiness Sneaks in Through a Door ......

2009-02-09T22:57:00.010-05:00

I love the saying "Happiness sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.' In other words, we may not realize the impact our right actions and attitudes of today can have on our tomorrow! Make the right choice!

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